Holy Hotwings, Batman!
Mood:
incredulous
Now Playing: The Jolly Rogers
Say you’re being pursued by vampires. You borrowed their copy of
Cocktail on DVD and they want it back, but you can’t find it, so you’ve been forced to flee. (It could happen, Vampires
love Tom Cruise as a rule.) So the Legions of the damned are hot on your trail and you find yourself in a part of town where all of the Walmarts are fresh out of stakes and garlic and there’s nary a church to be found.
What’s a horror movie hero to do?
Order up some beer & hot wings and chat up the cute co-ed in the short-shorts. Because apparently if you’re being pursued by vampires and churches are rare, rest easy, friends. Hooters is now recruiting priests to bless their restaurants. That’s right,
Holy Hooters! I couldn’t make this up if I tried.
According to the
Waco Tribune, at a private ceremony held on Monday evening, Monsignor Isidore Rozycki has blessed that town’s Hooters… (The
restaurant, people! This is a family show!)
"
But I can only eat so many hot wings, Scott." you say? "
At a church I can find secret Vatican force of vampire hunters
or pick up an approvedVampire Hunter's Kit . At the very least they have holy water!"
Wellllll... fine, okay. Sooner or later you’re going to have to leave the restaurant, whereupon you will be in no better shape than when you went in. Well, you won’t die hungry, I suppose. So, in the interest of keeping my readership alive, I have taken it upon myself to prepare a little primer on Vampire Slaying.
Step #1Ask to see his passport or driver’s license.
If he’s an American Vampire, great. Proceed to step #2 with all due haste.
If your vamp has a foreign passport, you have a problem. In this age heightened cultural sensibilities, you’ll find yourself being slapped with a bloodsucker subpoena faster than you can say “Buffy” should you attempt to kill them in anything less than the ACLU-approved politically-correct manner.
Luckily, we can turn to Cecil over at the Straight Dope, who helped us out with our Zombie problem awhile back. He has compiled a
listof the traditional manners of dispatching the undead in a manner which is sensitive to their country and culture of origin. Please feel free to print out Cecil’s list and keep it in your wallet for quick consultation, should your place of refuge’s traditional hour of last call fall before sunrise.
If all else fails, ask to see his or her Green Card. I hear the INS is looking into this problem already and would appreciate any help you might render in turning in any illegal undead you encounter.
Step #2Dispatch the vampire.There are several ways in which to do this. American vamps conform to the Bela Lugosi school and you can feel free to wail on him with the nearest sharp pointy stick, torch, chainsaw, plate of hot wings, buxom waitress, high-heeled shoe, or whathaveyou.
For cross-cultural extermination, I refer you to Cecil’s list, mentioned above.
Now there are those who would poo poo our fun, who would have you believe that the vampire chasing you is just misunderstood. Or perhaps make the specious claim that vampires are merely suffering from the rare disorder
Porphyria, which is caused by a blood deficiency and (in extreme cases) causes facial and skin issues which sound compellingly vampire-like.
This simply doesn't hold up under scrutiny. I mean, please! Be logical! If a dude with fangs is actively seeking your blood and shying away from stakes, crosses, garlic and Hooters girls, then rest assured you have a legitimate prince of the undead on your hands. You may stake him and order another round with a clean conscience.
-Scott
"
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." -Mark Twain.
Posted by scott-n-kristin
at 1:05 AM PST