A Great Lake of Ale...
Mood:  cheeky
It's February 2nd. The day after the Feast of Saint Brigid of Kildare. (I'd have posted this yesterday, but there were these vampires, you see...) It pains me that so few know of this saint who is venerated throughout the Gaellic lands of Ireland and Scotland. Why you ask? Well, she's highly apocryphal for starters, but so many of the best things in life are.

Sit back and allow me to spin you the yarn of Saint Brigid. Because it is true that God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world. Don't believe me? Listen to this...

Saint Brigid had the basic Saintly upbringing. She was good and kind and talked to the animals. She was a chieftain(or king)'s daughter who early on displayed a knack for finding mischievous ways to be saintly. This is an early sign of sainthood, being a naughty child. Don't believe me? Read The Confessions of Saint Augustine sometime.

The prank that got her well on her way to sainthood was when her father had taken her to be sold to another king. While they were dickering over the price, she made off with her father's sword and gave it to a leper. Considering the general state of affairs in Ireland at the time, it probably didn't go over too well with her old man. The king she was supposed to be sold to saved her from her father's wrath.

Her dad let her run a dairy and Brigid gave away all the milk. He tried to marry her off and she took vows as a nun. Come to think of it, her dad was probably perfectly satisfied with this arrangement by that point. At least she wouldn't be arming lepers anymore.

When seeking land on which to build her abbey, she asked the King of Leinster (who is the man who had saved her only a few paragraphs ago) for only so much land as her cloak would cover. Miraculously, he cloak swelled and spread until it covered the entirety of the land of Curragh.

As abbess she continued to find ways to be good in the most questionable ways. Her abbey was on a main road and one day down the road came a group of Bishops and Cardinals, resplendant in their crimson finery. It was so expensive to maintain a large coterie of men around you that nobles and high-ranking churchmen often took to the road to tour their demesne. Of course, in keeping with tradition, those they visited were obliged to show the officials and their entourage all due hospitality for the duration of their stay. So it was that the nuns and monks of Brigid's abbey were expected to fete these visiting lords of Christendom.

Alas, It had been a lean year, and the appetites of the churchmen was great. In no time, the abbey's stores were depleted, especially the beer. When the barrels ran dry and the thirst of their august vistors could not be slaked, the nuns ran to their Abbess and asked what they could do. The Abbey larder was bare. But the wily Chieftain's daughter was not one to be caught out by gluttinous men who knew nothing of the ascetic ways of her order. Brigid sent novices to fill the pitchers from her bath and serve it to the cardinals and their men. It is known as 'the miracle of the beer', because apparently the water was miraculously turned into beer.

So our chieftain's daughter was either a deft hand at the bluff ("Why no your grace, the beer tastes fine to me" pretends to take a sip) or the bathwater really did turn into beer. I almost like the idea that she served a bunch of stuffy Cardinal-types tankards of bathwater better, but that says more about me than her, I suppose.

(I couldn't make that up if I wanted to...)

Whatever the case, she is definitely the most creative Saint on record, or at least has the most creative benediction of any prayer ever attributed to any saint I've ever heard of...

"... I would like a great lake of beer for the King of Kings. I would like to be watching Heaven's family drinking it through all eternity."

Patron saint of milkmaids, brewers and practical jokers everywhere, this is why Saint Brigid is also patron of my Renaissance Faire acting troupe. So if you are the sort of lad or lass that is given to raising a pint of ale from time to time; when next the bottom of your mug rises, give a moment's pause for Saint Brigid... and her bathwater.

Your beer will never taste the same.
-Scott

Stupid Vampires
Mood:  irritated
I must've ticked off the vampires somethin' fierce with that last posting. Really! I wanted to post something appropriate to celebrate the birthday of one of my favorite writers in true internet tradition with a "Through the Looking Glass" short story but NO! I was balked at every turn by... vampires! Technically saavy geeky bloodsuckers! God help us all, they've started feeding on the folks at Microsoft! Or maybe... you know that Bill Gates guy's always had a kind of pale look about him. Anyone ever seen him in the daylight?

Run away! Run away!

If this posting works, I'll post a comic strip. If not... well, none of you will ever get to read this and I'll be fending off legions of the undead, so there you go. That's life in the big city.

Sigh
Scottie

Holy Hotwings, Batman!
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: The Jolly Rogers


Say you’re being pursued by vampires. You borrowed their copy of Cocktail on DVD and they want it back, but you can’t find it, so you’ve been forced to flee. (It could happen, Vampires love Tom Cruise as a rule.) So the Legions of the damned are hot on your trail and you find yourself in a part of town where all of the Walmarts are fresh out of stakes and garlic and there’s nary a church to be found.

What’s a horror movie hero to do?

Order up some beer & hot wings and chat up the cute co-ed in the short-shorts. Because apparently if you’re being pursued by vampires and churches are rare, rest easy, friends. Hooters is now recruiting priests to bless their restaurants. That’s right, Holy Hooters! I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

According to the Waco Tribune, at a private ceremony held on Monday evening, Monsignor Isidore Rozycki has blessed that town’s Hooters… (The restaurant, people! This is a family show!)

"But I can only eat so many hot wings, Scott." you say? "At a church I can find secret Vatican force of vampire hunters
or pick up an approvedVampire Hunter's Kit . At the very least they have holy water!"

Wellllll... fine, okay. Sooner or later you’re going to have to leave the restaurant, whereupon you will be in no better shape than when you went in. Well, you won’t die hungry, I suppose. So, in the interest of keeping my readership alive, I have taken it upon myself to prepare a little primer on Vampire Slaying.

Step #1
Ask to see his passport or driver’s license.
If he’s an American Vampire, great. Proceed to step #2 with all due haste.
If your vamp has a foreign passport, you have a problem. In this age heightened cultural sensibilities, you’ll find yourself being slapped with a bloodsucker subpoena faster than you can say “Buffy” should you attempt to kill them in anything less than the ACLU-approved politically-correct manner.

Luckily, we can turn to Cecil over at the Straight Dope, who helped us out with our Zombie problem awhile back. He has compiled a listof the traditional manners of dispatching the undead in a manner which is sensitive to their country and culture of origin. Please feel free to print out Cecil’s list and keep it in your wallet for quick consultation, should your place of refuge’s traditional hour of last call fall before sunrise.

If all else fails, ask to see his or her Green Card. I hear the INS is looking into this problem already and would appreciate any help you might render in turning in any illegal undead you encounter.

Step #2
Dispatch the vampire.
There are several ways in which to do this. American vamps conform to the Bela Lugosi school and you can feel free to wail on him with the nearest sharp pointy stick, torch, chainsaw, plate of hot wings, buxom waitress, high-heeled shoe, or whathaveyou.

For cross-cultural extermination, I refer you to Cecil’s list, mentioned above.

Now there are those who would poo poo our fun, who would have you believe that the vampire chasing you is just misunderstood. Or perhaps make the specious claim that vampires are merely suffering from the rare disorder Porphyria, which is caused by a blood deficiency and (in extreme cases) causes facial and skin issues which sound compellingly vampire-like.

This simply doesn't hold up under scrutiny. I mean, please! Be logical! If a dude with fangs is actively seeking your blood and shying away from stakes, crosses, garlic and Hooters girls, then rest assured you have a legitimate prince of the undead on your hands. You may stake him and order another round with a clean conscience.

-Scott

"We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit on a hot stove lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." -Mark Twain.

The Mouse That Bored
Mood:  irritated
Disney is going to buy Pixar outright. This annoys me on many levels, not the least of which is because Disney hasn't made a decent (ie Legitimately funny) animated film since Lilo & Stitch while Pixar's been cranking out the classics like they've got a direct line to Charlie Chaplin in the hereafter! Disney's latest fare has been so bogged down in trying to please everyone that they please no one! So what are they going to do with the Pixar franchises? Probably direct-to-video releases of sequels to every decent movie Pixar ever made, each of which will be a mockery of the genius of the original. Don't believe me? Ever seen any of the Aladdin sequels? Howabout the Lion King sequels? I rest my case... okay the Timon and Pumba one was okay but only okay and only because Nathan Lane saved some of the worst dialogue ever written from the dustbin.

Then again... as part of the deal, Steve Jobs (founder of Pixar and Apple Computers) gets a seat on the Disney board of Directors. And with Eisner gone... maybe Jobs can save Disney rather than Disney pillaging Pixar.

Probably not, but one can dream, can't they?

Scott

Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo.
(If I can not move the gods, I will set the forces of the underworld in motion.)
-Virgil

The Sunday Funnies...
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Still nuthin'
Note: No, they won't always look like the Peanuts' gang. That was an homage to one of my heroes... S

Slow news day...
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Not a daggum thing...
Haven't had a lot to say this week.

We're redoing the kitchen and I've spent most of my freetime pulling the cabinet doors off the hinges and whatnot. There's still some stripping to do (no, the paint, silly) and then we're going to do something I never thought I'd do on purpose in my own house... paint the cabinets. Normally I don't like painted cabinets - or rather I rarely walk into a place with painted cabinets and think "That'd look great in my home too!" - but the cabinets are old, dated, already painted, and too dark for the room they're in. In keeping with the "No Fear of Color" theme we have going, we're painting the cabinets a rich blue, highlighted with a light cherry stained trims and antique brass fixtures. I picked up a potrack at a sale this week and we just cruised through IKEA for some space-saving ideas so it should help make our little nook of a kitchen a little easier to live with until we're ready to build the new dream kitchen, (probably in spring of '07 at the earliest).

I'll post pictures when it's done.

Otherwise, life is sedate. I'm tearing down the front porch in a couple of weeks (because why do only one project at a time?) so any volunteers who want to help... well, you know how to reach me. :-)

In the meantime, enjoy this week's comic strip.

Scott & Kris

I had to get it out of my system...
When I grew up there was only one comic in the funny pages... Peanuts. I've always found it funny that Charles Schultz hated that name... I still haven't really picked one yet, a name for my strip, that is.

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What is this? A bunny I see before me?
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Bladerunner
Peeps Science on CNN

Peep Research Homepage

Hobbit Peeps!

It's time to put on makeup, it's time to light the lights...
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Manah-Manah! (Doo doo doo doodoo)
My buddy Kevin sent me this link and I had to share.

A Muppet Classic

I love the Muppet Show. Like so many things from my childhood, it seems so much more sophisticated than it really was, but even now, watching it on DVD, I find myself giggling at all the right moments. Despite the trendy "Where-are-they-now" guest stars of a bygone era, despite the goofy haircuts and special effects circa 1973 there is still something that reaches across the gap of years and culture and touches me.

Jim Henson and his crew created many, many timeless masterpieces that were never appreciated fully in his own time. Looking at them now, the humor's as fresh as it ever was, the antics of the characters just as vital. Labyrinth springs to mind, but even more than that, he gave us the ultimate puppet show of the Dark Crystal, cast new light on the myths and tales that underpin our cultures with the sublime Storyteller series'. All of these things aspire to high art, to the finest and best traditions of visual storytelling. And yet he still managed to teach most of America to read, and gave us the subtle goofiness and puns of the Muppet Show.

Woe that he was taken from us early in life. We can only imagine what might have been had he lived.

Scott

Welcome to ScottLand
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: The West Wing Season 4 (on DVD)
My back feels much better, thanks for all your concerns. To quote Holly "back crap sucks." Yes it does indeed.

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The artistic side of my brain has been shifting in its sleep lately, as evidenced by the doodles on this blog in recent months. It began at Ren Faire this year when I wandered around on the hotter days with a sketchpad and some charcoal doing sketch portraits of my fellow actors and performers in a renaissance style.

Well, the muse survived the muggy days of August and bugged me steadily into the month of December and here we are... it's a new year... and in a fit of unsupressed artistic will, I made a resolution to complete at least one piece of artwork a week.

Most of you don't know this, but I've been drawing cartoons off and on for the past few years. Mostly stick-figure one-sheet gags, but I have quite a backlog of them (dating back to my days at Borders) and I've recently begun fleshing some of them out. I'm not sure of the name I'm giving the strip yet, but it's something that's intrigued me all my life and I thought it would be neat not only to do it, but to share them with you. I don't know if I can find the time to do a weekly comic strip, I have promises to keep in the artistic department that have nothing to do with Snoopy & the roundheaded kid, but I'll try to keep 'em coming for as long as you folks are willing to read them.

I've always wanted to say this and mean it:
See you in the funny pages!

Scottie P